In some ways I am a very private person. But I am learning that whatever battle you may be facing, some one else's could be that much greater. So, I am learning to be transparent. My struggles, though they are often my own, have the potential to influence or impact someone else. So why not use those struggles to help as many people as possible?
Having said that, everyone that knows me knows that Ryan and I have a passion for adoption. Medically, there is nothing wrong with us that is causing/allowing us to not conceive a child. This can be, and is a very real, raw, and heart wrenching situation to be in. Before Tristan entered our lives, I was an emotional wreck. All the time. Hearing about another pregnancy at work? Oh, boy... It does not, by any means, mean that I was not happy for that person. It was just another reminder that I may not ever get to experience that feeling, that joy. We started pursuing adoption before we really realized that conceiving a child was a very difficult thing for us. We always wanted to adopt so it was only natural to just jump right in. 3 years after starting the whole endeavor, we were miraculously blessed with our Tristan. God, as always, is faithful. If you know his whole story, you know what I mean...
But since Tristan, I have had such mixed, skewed emotions. First there is the, oh golly, one is plenty because lets face it, Tristan is ALL BOY and FULL OF ENERGY. But really, thats not what I want. I want him to be a big brother. So three years later, here we are, again. The only difference this time is I am not a wreck. I am not an emotional bomb waiting to go off, but I do wonder, what now? For some people, this is a no brainer, just have another child. We have not been given that luxury. We, for whatever unknown reason there is, have to jump through 903958734589374 hoops to even see what we can do to make this happen. Sometimes I get really, really discouraged by this. Other times, it is literally no big deal. So here is the latest on this one....
The last post I wrote about our purpose. What is our purpose in life????Right now, I am called to be a wife and a mother. This hit me really hard about 2 weeks ago. So naturally, I got on the internet :)
Yesterday we had a social worker come out to our house so we can get re-established in the system, updated, whatever you wanna call it. We have, again, several hoops to jump through. But that's ok. What hit me so hard a few weeks ago, and then again yesterday talking with DSS is, who is going to be the mother of those kids? The babies born on drugs, the babies born to incarcerated mothers, the 8th baby born into a family that is dirty, starving, longing to be loved. Why can't we? After Tristan was born, I totally lost sight of this belief that I have carried for so long. If I am so against abortion, which most of you know I am, then what am I going to do to prove it?
If we had conceived 3, 4, 5, 6 years ago, yes it has been that long....Tristan most likely would not be in our lives. That alone...wow.... I can't even fathom. Although I had temporarily lost my focus, I am now reminded that my purpose right now is to be a wife and a mother. Maybe not just a mother to Tristan, but a mother to whoever God blesses us with, either temporarily or permanently. Maybe we never get another child through DSS, but we won't know unless we try. So here we are, again, trusting God to grow our family the way He sees fit. And here I am again, letting you see into my world, however crazy it may be. :)
Something to leave you with. Out of the mouths of babes.... These are Tristan's words 3 days ago.
"Mama, I think kids without homes should come live with us."
(me) "Would you be ok with that? Sharing your toys and your house?"
"Yes, Mama. You can be their Mommy and Daddy can be their Daddy. That would make Jesus really happy."
Blessings!
Ashley
Thursday, April 26, 2012
What is MY purpose?
Since I have been in Fredericksburg, and well, before we moved here, I have wondered what I should be doing. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am a SAHM and get to hang out with the coolest kid ever, every day, all day. Other times, I am being transparent here, I want to bury my head in the sand and hide for days because I wonder how I can be a SAHM. But, I am a mom, I am a wife, and I do, no matter what, love my life.
But that can't be it. Can it? I don't think so.
I think that we are all here for a reason. Not just to exist, but to really serve a greater purpose. Some people are doctors, lawyers, farmers, teachers, just to name a few, and all of those jobs are incredibly important. I am a wife and a mom. Equally important and difficult jobs. My purpose, right now, at this point in my life, is to be the best wife and the best mother I can be. I am going to make a better effort at being the best I can be. I have been given an amazing husband and child, and I do not ever want to take either of them for granted, although, I know I do. Quite often...
So really, I just wrote this for me. As a reminder to myself to not minimize my day to day job. You just got to peek into my head for a few minutes ;)
But that can't be it. Can it? I don't think so.
I think that we are all here for a reason. Not just to exist, but to really serve a greater purpose. Some people are doctors, lawyers, farmers, teachers, just to name a few, and all of those jobs are incredibly important. I am a wife and a mom. Equally important and difficult jobs. My purpose, right now, at this point in my life, is to be the best wife and the best mother I can be. I am going to make a better effort at being the best I can be. I have been given an amazing husband and child, and I do not ever want to take either of them for granted, although, I know I do. Quite often...
So really, I just wrote this for me. As a reminder to myself to not minimize my day to day job. You just got to peek into my head for a few minutes ;)
The whirlwind
So we have a contract on our house, and we had 45 (I think??) days to move out. We had no where to go and bid after bid that we made on houses in Fredericksburg fell through. Graciously, my parents offered for us to live with them. We got a house, finally, but it needed SERIOUS amounts of work on it. It was an absolutely nasty foreclosure. Everything single thing in it, and I mean every single thing in it, needed redone, ripped out and replaced or cleaned. So we painted, fixed, scrubbed until our fingers were raw. Literally....
A week later, we moved in. I think that is a record! So to date, a month later, we have replaced all flooring in the whole house, painted the whole interior, replaced 4 potties, 3 vanities, mirrors, ac unit, all appliances, lighting,heat pump, and the list goes on and on.
In addition to the house, Ryan started working for Keller Williams selling real estate. What a blessing. Ryan is fantastic at his job. Really. I am not just saying that because I have to. But let's face it. Farmville was not the booming real estate market. He is doing really well here and I am excited to see him happy. In addition to this, Ryan is still taking classes at the Fredericksburg Prayer Furnace. This is the ministry that he is a part of. This is why we are here. We are still starting to see the unfolding of all our prayers for our purpose in Fredericksburg, but we know, with out a shadow of a doubt, that we are where we are supposed to be. We are still walking by faith, trusting for God to provide. But, He has never let us down and we know that He won't now, either.
So for all of you that think we are crazy, maybe we are. Maybe we are a bit radical, but we are cool with that. There is no turning back for us. After this past year of seeing how God has spoken to us, provided for us, and loved us, there is no way we can deny Him. Although, I know I fail miserably, quite often, He has never let me down and I know He never will.
A week later, we moved in. I think that is a record! So to date, a month later, we have replaced all flooring in the whole house, painted the whole interior, replaced 4 potties, 3 vanities, mirrors, ac unit, all appliances, lighting,heat pump, and the list goes on and on.
In addition to the house, Ryan started working for Keller Williams selling real estate. What a blessing. Ryan is fantastic at his job. Really. I am not just saying that because I have to. But let's face it. Farmville was not the booming real estate market. He is doing really well here and I am excited to see him happy. In addition to this, Ryan is still taking classes at the Fredericksburg Prayer Furnace. This is the ministry that he is a part of. This is why we are here. We are still starting to see the unfolding of all our prayers for our purpose in Fredericksburg, but we know, with out a shadow of a doubt, that we are where we are supposed to be. We are still walking by faith, trusting for God to provide. But, He has never let us down and we know that He won't now, either.
So for all of you that think we are crazy, maybe we are. Maybe we are a bit radical, but we are cool with that. There is no turning back for us. After this past year of seeing how God has spoken to us, provided for us, and loved us, there is no way we can deny Him. Although, I know I fail miserably, quite often, He has never let me down and I know He never will.
The big move
On to a more serious note....
THE BIG MOVE...hmmmm....Where to begin this one.
A little over a year ago, Ryan and I had many things pressed on our hearts. For starters, we claim to be Christians, which we are, but we did not feel that we were being totally obedient to the calling that we have on our lives. While this may offend some, though that is not my intention, we feel that we had become very complacent in our walk with the Lord. We loved our church, the youth, (Ryan was youth Pastor) and our lives and friends. But something really big was missing and we really could not put our finger on it. Through lots of prayer, we realized that God was calling us out of our comfort zone and into something new, different, and pretty scary. He wanted us to move. But here is the catcher, I was quitting my job, Ryan works on commission, and we had no idea why we were moving or where money would come from. I think when He commands us to walk by faith, this is what He is talking about. I honestly never thought I'd have the guts to go through with this. I will make this VERY LONG story as short as possible :)
So the real journey began. We finally submitted to God. I put in resignation with the schools and became and full time SAHM. We knew for a while this would also result in Ryan resigning from his position at the church, but for several months we couldn't say anything about that. Ryan resigned from the church in December of 2010. Jan or Feb of 2011 we put our house on the market and started going to New Life AG. We assumed that since we did what we felt we were to do by quitting jobs and putting our house on the market, that we would move right away....WRONG. We had our first Sunday at New Life on January 7th. I have never felt so out of place but yet in the right place before. Let me explain.
I was brought up in a Presbyterian Chuch. I married Ryan and became Baptist which was, to me, a big deal. Now, here we are Pentecostal. Ha! So needless to say, everything was a bit new. But, we absolutely fell in love with the people at New Life, and more importantly, we fell in love, in a new fresh way, with God. Exactly part of His perfect plan.
We kept sensing that we would have a year of sitting still in the Lord and listening to what He has planned for us. Again, hear from the Lord? What on earth. But, I am learning, He does speak to us, in so many ways. We sat for a year, literally, soaking up everything we possibly could. Lo and behold, exactly to the day, a year later, we got an offer on our house.
Then the real whirlwind began.... The will be in the next post :)
THE BIG MOVE...hmmmm....Where to begin this one.
A little over a year ago, Ryan and I had many things pressed on our hearts. For starters, we claim to be Christians, which we are, but we did not feel that we were being totally obedient to the calling that we have on our lives. While this may offend some, though that is not my intention, we feel that we had become very complacent in our walk with the Lord. We loved our church, the youth, (Ryan was youth Pastor) and our lives and friends. But something really big was missing and we really could not put our finger on it. Through lots of prayer, we realized that God was calling us out of our comfort zone and into something new, different, and pretty scary. He wanted us to move. But here is the catcher, I was quitting my job, Ryan works on commission, and we had no idea why we were moving or where money would come from. I think when He commands us to walk by faith, this is what He is talking about. I honestly never thought I'd have the guts to go through with this. I will make this VERY LONG story as short as possible :)
So the real journey began. We finally submitted to God. I put in resignation with the schools and became and full time SAHM. We knew for a while this would also result in Ryan resigning from his position at the church, but for several months we couldn't say anything about that. Ryan resigned from the church in December of 2010. Jan or Feb of 2011 we put our house on the market and started going to New Life AG. We assumed that since we did what we felt we were to do by quitting jobs and putting our house on the market, that we would move right away....WRONG. We had our first Sunday at New Life on January 7th. I have never felt so out of place but yet in the right place before. Let me explain.
I was brought up in a Presbyterian Chuch. I married Ryan and became Baptist which was, to me, a big deal. Now, here we are Pentecostal. Ha! So needless to say, everything was a bit new. But, we absolutely fell in love with the people at New Life, and more importantly, we fell in love, in a new fresh way, with God. Exactly part of His perfect plan.
We kept sensing that we would have a year of sitting still in the Lord and listening to what He has planned for us. Again, hear from the Lord? What on earth. But, I am learning, He does speak to us, in so many ways. We sat for a year, literally, soaking up everything we possibly could. Lo and behold, exactly to the day, a year later, we got an offer on our house.
Then the real whirlwind began.... The will be in the next post :)
Halloween 2011
We had a BLAST on Halloween!!! Ryan and I wanted for all 3 of us to dress with a common theme, and he had this idea. What fun! Tristan thought it was hilarious, too. He told everyone he was a nerd. :)
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| Trying out the glasses the night before Halloween |
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| Cute family of nerds |
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| My most favorite nerds ever! |
Backing up again....FALL 2011
In November, I think, we went to Pennsylvania to see Ryan's dad and Pat. We love getting to visit family there. Tristan loves their house, too, because they have a great place outside to play. Boys will be boys :)
PapPap, Daddy and Tristan looking for the next fish or frog victim.
Uh, Oh....
It is just a hose.... Ha!
King of the mini mountain
Tristan and Pap Pap
Tristan is THREE!!!
My baby boy is 3! I can't believe how the time has flown by...
Birthdays are special. I think that EVERYONE deserves their day to be celebrated and shown how amazing they are. I hope that Tristan knows this.
His birthday is January 28th. This year, it happened to fall on a Saturday. It is important to Ryan and to myself that we have our own little family celebration with just the three of us. For this reason, Tristan ended up with two parties. One with just us, and one with his friends and family. He is so loved....
Tristan's birthday party invitation
CHEESE!!
Tristan's dirt bike cake
PINATA!!!!
The boys on the Jeep. Ha! Tristan was hanging on for dear life not to be left out...
Remote control car!!! ooohhhh!!!!
Tristan's big present from Mommy and Daddy. He LOVES his scooter!
Birthdays are special. I think that EVERYONE deserves their day to be celebrated and shown how amazing they are. I hope that Tristan knows this.
His birthday is January 28th. This year, it happened to fall on a Saturday. It is important to Ryan and to myself that we have our own little family celebration with just the three of us. For this reason, Tristan ended up with two parties. One with just us, and one with his friends and family. He is so loved....
Backing up from December to October
I need to go back to October....
Tristan's adoption day is October 7th. We spend this day each year celebrating him being a part of our family by having a special family day. Since this year he was only 2, we kinda picked something special for him, but I think he was ok with it. :) We went to Busch Gardens Williamsburg. We had a BLAST. I really had NO idea what fun that could be with a toddler. It was an AMAZING day.
We started in the kiddie park and Ryan and I were concerned that Tristan would be scared or intimidated by the rides. They were kiddie rides, but still. He had never been on anything like them. We were SO wrong.... He fell in LOVE with them. In fact, the kiddie rides were not fast enough for him. At one point, he and I were on this mini berzerker ride thing, and he said, "Mama. When is it going to go faster?" I was already dizzy.....
After lunch, I mean RIGHT AFTER LUNCH, he saw the adult sized scrambler. He asked to go on it. Fortunately for him, he could ride as long as he had an adult with him. Unfortunately for me, I had just eaten a monster plate of food and Ryan doesn't ride spinney rides :) Let's just say we rode it two times in a row since no one else was in line, and I had to pull Tristan off when it finished. Dare devil....
As much as he liked the rides, his favorite thing of all time was the gondola rides that take you in the air across the park. He thought it was a train in the sky :)
I am having a hard time locating the pictures on this computer. When I find them, I will post them. OOps!
Tristan's adoption day is October 7th. We spend this day each year celebrating him being a part of our family by having a special family day. Since this year he was only 2, we kinda picked something special for him, but I think he was ok with it. :) We went to Busch Gardens Williamsburg. We had a BLAST. I really had NO idea what fun that could be with a toddler. It was an AMAZING day.
We started in the kiddie park and Ryan and I were concerned that Tristan would be scared or intimidated by the rides. They were kiddie rides, but still. He had never been on anything like them. We were SO wrong.... He fell in LOVE with them. In fact, the kiddie rides were not fast enough for him. At one point, he and I were on this mini berzerker ride thing, and he said, "Mama. When is it going to go faster?" I was already dizzy.....
After lunch, I mean RIGHT AFTER LUNCH, he saw the adult sized scrambler. He asked to go on it. Fortunately for him, he could ride as long as he had an adult with him. Unfortunately for me, I had just eaten a monster plate of food and Ryan doesn't ride spinney rides :) Let's just say we rode it two times in a row since no one else was in line, and I had to pull Tristan off when it finished. Dare devil....
As much as he liked the rides, his favorite thing of all time was the gondola rides that take you in the air across the park. He thought it was a train in the sky :)
I am having a hard time locating the pictures on this computer. When I find them, I will post them. OOps!
Christmas part II
Here are some more pictures of Christmas...
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| Making a gingerbread house out of graham crackers....and LOTS of candy! |
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| Daddy may have had the most fun! |
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| Can't seem to rotate this, but Tristan was opening his Christmas Eve present. A travel size magna doodle |
So far behind...
Welp, it seems I have more than a few months to make up for! So here goes nothing.... Hopefully by the end of today I will be totally caught up with the main events since last September. EEKKK!!
Let's start with Christmas 2011 :)
Then the grandparents showed up....
Matching up Dominoes!
Paul and Sandy aka MeMaw and PePaw
Grammee and Tristan
There are probably a hundred other pictures to choose from, so I will find a few more, but the best part of Christmas is that we get to spend it with family. We love our family (both sides of course) so much, and we are so thankful and blessed to have each of them in our lives! This year was especially cool because Tristan is old enough now to start to understand, as much as he can, what the TRUE meaning of Christmas is. As he learns more and more about Jesus, it is cool to be able to celebrate His birthday and not have Christmas be just presents.
There are probably a hundred other pictures to choose from, so I will find a few more, but the best part of Christmas is that we get to spend it with family. We love our family (both sides of course) so much, and we are so thankful and blessed to have each of them in our lives! This year was especially cool because Tristan is old enough now to start to understand, as much as he can, what the TRUE meaning of Christmas is. As he learns more and more about Jesus, it is cool to be able to celebrate His birthday and not have Christmas be just presents.
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